I will have to take drastic measures towards celebrating holidays with my family. Yes, people, as hard as it may seem, they have managed to fuck up even Mother's Day, turning it into a festival of blood, sweat and tears. It all started one innocent, bright morning when, after getting props from my mom for my outlandish present (as always, when I give a gift, I GIVE a gift, bitch!), she asked me, no, she begged me, with a tormented look in her eyes, to accompany her, dad, and sibling to said brother's new appartment, where they were still supposed to carry a few things from his previous place and finish up the tiresome moving process. I said, feh, what the hell. It probably won't take that long, and maybe we'll be back early enough for me to escape and get to see my dearly beloved other half. He had ...Keep reading.

Posted in Dark Soul, Family, Love Life, WTF | No Comments »

17 pounds. That's the weight I have gained since I stopped exercising about a year ago.
Nearly twenty fucking pounds!!!
Oh yeah yeah everybody says I look better like this instead of the waif-like Kate Moss on heroin wannabe I was a few months ago. But come on. I'm a skinny guy. And a paunch is the last thing I feel like developing right now. I'd look like a straw with an olive stuck in the middle. I mean, I USED TO HAVE A FUCKING SIX PACK when I used to swim. What the fuck is happening to my metabolism?!?!?!?
I mean, I follow nearly the same lifestyle I've been carrying for years! Except that I'm not studying anymore. And I stopped smoking. And my work shift is now the full 8 hrs. And...
Oh my gawd, I'm on a one way train to Porkville!
I've never been this... chunky. ...Keep reading.

Posted in Rants, WTF | 1 Comment »

So my car's being painted.
In the meantime, I've been using dad's truck to get around. I have always hated that truck. It smells of cheap booze and cheesy cologne mixed with sweat. And he seems to like it that way. Not only that, but being seen in that wine-colored excuse for a vehicle is like showing up for class in your underwear. Pure, unadulterated shame. It has a registration sticker collection on each side of the windshield (my father doesn't believe in removing the old ones to make space for the new, apparently that would be a waste of good sticker...) and, to add insult to injury, the damn thing has a propeller in the back. A fucking propeller! Even at my work I'm the butt of every joke every time it rains a lot!

But that's not what's bothering me right now. Last weekend, my parents decided to ...Keep reading.

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It is nearly midnight. About an hour ago, I was summoned by my mother hurriedly, and she told me to get dressed ASAP. She said that our neighbor's elderly father passed out, and they needed an extra hand to get him into a van. They called 911, but it had taken too long to arrive.
Immediately I was like "fuck. Just what I need. Hysterical neighbors trying to shove a slobbering old coot in a van. I bet the fucker weighs about 500 pounds. Goddamnit."
When I arrived there, the neighbors were unusually quiet. They always are, you don't hear a peep from them. Unlike my family, who keep ignoring the fact that these houses tend to be excessively acoustic and yet they still find delight in screaming for every little fucking thing.

I went to the neighbors', and I saw the poor old guy being carried around by my ...Keep reading.

Posted in Family, WTF | No Comments »

No, really, that bitch is C-R-A-Z-Y.

A long, long, time ago, we lived in a nice house in the southeast of Dominican Republic. It was a spacious, breezy, pleasant place, full of wonder and glee. Happy times, were those.
During the times that these events happenned, Lucifer used to work overseas (in other words, he worked where we are now). So in my house, my mom was the Matron. The Queen of the Castle. The Madam. At least until my father came by, which happened about once a month.
This went on for a couple of years, while Lucifer settled down overseas.
I don't want to sound harsh, or cold, or insensitive, but... Goddamn, those were the best years of my life!
Back to the story. One morning, we were woken up by the cleaning lady with some startling news. There was a huge turd in our backyard. And it was ...Keep reading.

Posted in Dominican stuff, Family, WTF | 2 Comments »