Alright you'se ho's & bitches, here's a play by play recount of what went on during my quest for perfect vision and the ability to sport designer sunglasses. This all went on on friday, October 15th.

12:00pm - Woke up at noon on friday. Pooped my pants. Today I was gonna get surgery. SURGERY! I wanted to make the most of the day, but fuck me, I overslept. Started to clean my room compulsively because I thought that I'd come back so blind I'd stumble with all the shit littering it.

12:05pm - As soon as I wake up I hear Lillith taking shit from Lucifer, who is royally pissed off because he wasn't properly informed that I was going ahead with the procedure. Yeah, it may have "slipped" my mind to tell him it was today, but bear in mind that weeks before I had suggested the idea, and the answer ...Keep reading.

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I am hours away from having a pulsating beam of light pierce my cornea and carve a shape inside my eye. I am also petrified at the thought of anything going wrong, but I suppose that's normal before any surgical procedure. Especially when I've never been operated in my life.

Surgery. After watching things like Nip/Tuck, Extreme Makeover, The Swan and Dr. 90210, I expect sharp, glistening stainless steel blades lying around, blood-splattered walls and floors, fat-sucking vacuums and tiny whirring saws being brandished by crazy-eyed doctors with blood-stained scrubs and a nurse that has a fuller mustache than I do. It's just the sound of that word. Surgery. Yech. I fucking hate it.
Then there's the laser thing. They're gonna shoot a beam of laser, people! A fucking laser inside my eyes! the same kind you see ripping through steel in action movies, threatening to cut ...Keep reading.

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So I went and got an eye exam. I wanted to find out if I'm a candidate for laser eye surgery, and boy, did they do a number on me.
Apparently they had to dilate my pupils so they can take a better look inside my eyeballs. What a fucking trip. The effect caused by the dilating eyedrops feels as if your eyes were being tied with a tiny rope. Or if a small fist was squeezing them from inside your eyeballs.
After all the tests were made, I looked myself in a mirror. Holy demonic posessions, Batman! My pupils were so big that I could only see a big black hole with a dark brown rim where my iris was supposed to be. It freaked me out at first, but then I started laughing maniacally, because I thought I looked like this little fella.

I had to be driven ...Keep reading.

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