It’s been quite a long while since I went over to Puertoblogs to see what’s new. I haven’t had time to sit down and read through all the self centered drivel that clogs the internet today, and now that I finally got to do it, I wish i had not. Holy Fucking Shit.
Yes, it is self centered because that’s exactly what blogs are designed for. It’s mostly used as a public, often anonymous tool that helps you stroke your ego and express in writing all of the shit that you’re sometimes too much of a coward to say in real life. But most importantly, it is a highly overused, excessively easy way to try to bring attention to yourself or your fake “online self”. And that is exactly what is turning the puertorrican blogging community into a gigantic vacuum of ego masturbation and feces. You see, the average puertorrican is a huge, HUGE attention whore. Don’t you fucking deny this because it’s true.
Also, the typical puertorrican has a habit of blindly following whatever trend they consider “hot shit” at the moment. So naturally, you have thousands of attention starved, trend-following sheep creating blogs left and right. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing if you got something interesting to say or a point to prove. But that’s where it all goes downhill. Out of all the blogs that make it to Puertoblogs’ first page, only like 4 or 5 are worth reading. What do the rest have to offer? Are they really that bad? Let me give you a sample. Get comfy.
- If you thought those heinous mommy blogs were goddamn awful, well, you haven’t lived until you read a depressed mommy blog. Oh the drama! Bitch, go get some fat cock in that pussy, see if it brings the whining down a notch.
- Pregnant women are notorious for being a royal pain in the ass. Pregnant woman with a blog? Not a good idea. Keep that shit to yourself, sweetie, we don’t really care and we already know how it goes: Whine whine whine. I feel fat. I feel like shit. I’m hungry. My baby kicked. I can’t stop farting. I can’t stop vomiting. Etc. etc. etc.
- Pssst. Yo, Latin Blog, care to explain what’s so “latin” about you if you keep posting a shitload of North American celebrity news in your front page? If that’s the case I’d rather read Perez. Which, judging by your news seems to be your go-to place for (recycled) material.
- Seriously, do you really think you should own a blog when you waste precious internet space posting shit like THIS? Shoot yourself.
- Ok, so you wanna promote your lovely island by making a blog about it, for the love of whatever deity you worship, don’t let your blog about Puerto Rico look like a mortuary web page. Black web pages are not only fucking depressing, but also: 1997 called, he wants his web page layout back. Although now that I mention it, the whole black scheme pretty much sums up the overall state the island is in. Puerto Rico, Island of the Gothic Emo Fags. Don’t believe me? drop by Borders in Plaza on a Friday night.
- Oh my fucking god.
- Verónica decide aburrirme. Y también joderme la vista con un layout puñetero.
- You’re not funny. At all.
- This is what happens when Cupid shits and vomits all over your blog.
- If I had a blog meant to pimp out and display all the useless shit I have lying around my house I’d post every couple of hours. Tazos? Are you fucking kidding me?
- Unsurprisingly, Puertoblogs also seems to be a big magnet for sluts. Good god they’re everywhere! You even risk getting an STD just by reading their shit. Take this sad specimen for example. OMG look at me I’m so edgy and vulgar! I talk about sex and orgasms and kinky shit! I also do drugs and like to watch porn and am horny all the time! I just wished someone was here to actually get me off
. Girlfriend, there’s obviously something wrong with your sex-related blog when it’s most interesting post is about a fucking sugar glider. I’ve heard more exciting sex stories from my dead grandma.
Also, bitch, your blog is as hardcore as Hannah Montana. Why the fuck do you bother putting a content advisory on it? It’s not like that’s gonna bring more readers thinking there’s kinky shit inside (there’s not). There isn’t even a single mention of you getting gangbanged and bukkake’d by a football team. Nothing to see here but another pampered princess whining her ass off.
Oh and there’s also this fucking whore. She has a special place on my hate list. You see, she started her blog as a chronicle of her adventures being the mistress of a married man. Describing, and for god’s sakes, justifying why she fell in love with a family man and getting all pissy when he shoves her to the side and decides to spend his time with his family. Well what the fuck did you expect, you worthless, home wrecking cunt? A medal? I hope your lack of posts is due to the fact that the guy’s wife found out and fucking kicked your face so hard you’re still in a coma. PUTA. - Okay. Many people use their blogs as their diaries, but when you go about your day, describing each uneventful, boring, trite situation with the excitement of a librarian overdosing on Paxil, that’s another link I’m never gonna click on again. I swear I thought I was reading Droopy’s blog.
- Women with a poetry blog = Ya’all need to get laid / Men with a poetry blog = raging homosexuals. Who need to get laid.
I am also not counting the fact that some of these wastes of data actually have 2 or 3 blogs registered. It’s fucking harrowing when you look at the profile of a particularly horrible blogger and you see two additional blogs dedicated to different aspects of his or her life. Kinda makes you wish that blog services actually cost money to set up. That would make a difference filtering out most of the blog-happy unwashed masses.
Whatever happened to the awesome, close-knit community we had a couple of years ago? Everybody knew everybody. It honestly felt like a big, dysfuncional yet happy family. And most importantly, it was a FUN family. What ever happened to Shery? What happened to El Bizcochito? Ashar? Blog Machine? Mecagoenlaostia? Manny el cabrón confundido? And oh lord, what happened to GATOQUEEN! Sweet mother of fucking shit I would KILL half of the blog owners in Puertoblogs if it meant Gatoqueen would post again. *sigh*
Alas, it’s all been buried under a gigantic mountain of SHIT. Useless, drab, uninteresting, self centered, unfunny, recycled shit. And it’s only getting bigger.
I know that my blog is not the fucking star of the internet, but goddamn, at least I TRY to make it interesting. I actually make an effort to get a laugh. Or at least a chuckle. Or the occasional “awwww”, and in some cases, “ewwwww!”. And that’s my point. Unlike many of the blogs mentioned before and the hundreds I haven’t seen, I try to put some sort of emotion in this motherfucker and get you to react.
And oh yeah, if you see your blog among that list of shame I put up there, don’t get pissed and start composing a strongly worded comment. Just stop for a moment. Take a good look at your blog. And think of the reason why you created it. Was it worth it? has it brought you any sort of satisfaction? Also, do you often feel like you are forced to post?
If you still feel like doing a hostile comment after thinking about all that and not finding anything wrong, well, go ahead. That’s still not gonna change the fact that your blog is a piece of shit.
If instead you accept that your little corner in the internet could use a bit of an improvement, then, my friend, come on over. I have some pointers for ya:
- This isn’t fucking Myspace. Get rid of the black layouts, especially if they have a bright font against it. It’s old, it’s tacky, and it’s a pain to read. And also, NO FUCKING GLITTERY SHIT OR EMBEDDED MUSIC/VIDEOS. Unless you’re a 13 year old girl. If so, you have no place writing a blog you little shit. Go play with your Bratz.
- Avoid neon/bright colors. Lasik is very expensive and people do not appreciate having their eyes raped by a clashing diarrhea of colorful garbage. Also, think of the epilepsy hazards.
- Content, content, CONTENT! Ask yourself before you press “publish”: Do people really wanna read this? There is a very high chance that’s gonna be a “NO”, since whatever the hell you’re writing about has already been covered. So try your goddamn best to be original. Do some research. Whatever it takes. Aim to stand out from the crowd.
- This might clash with the bullet above but it’s equally valid. In your attempt to be original, don’t be desperate. People notice when you try too hard. And then they cringe and leave.
- Avoid walls of text (I plead guilty on this). People don’t read on the internet. they skim. If you can’t help writing a long ass diatribe (like me), at least bold, bullet or highlight the important parts. This is the age of Twitter. People lose interest after 150 characters! Hell, I’m lucky if someone makes it this far down this post.
- This is not a sidebar competition! One sidebar is more than enough. Two is pushing it. Three or more is a fucking unreadable mess. Also, don’t stuff your sidebar with uninteresting shit no one but you cares about. The shorter and more to the point the sidebar is, the less cluttered and more pleasant your blog becomes. Look at your sidebar right now. Probably more than half the shit in there is completely unnecessary. A sidebar like this can intimidate the hell out of a reader. And honestly, NO ONE takes the time to go through it. Don’t believe me? If you have the means to view which links and how often they are clicked in your site, do so. You’ll thank me later.
- Don’t open a new blog every other week. It’s annoying and you’ll never find the time to update them all on time and produce worthy content for them on a timely basis. One is enough. Need to change topics? Make a new category. I don’t need a separate blog for your fucking movie reviews.
- Don’t fill up every inch with ads. It makes you look greedy and opportunist, reducing your ad income because people see that shit, get scared and leave. I’ve seen blogs like that, and the first thing that comes to my mind is “phishing site”. If you use the internet and don’t know what phishing is, unplug your computer and throw it in a ditch. It’s for your own good.
- Don’t beg for comments. That’s more pathetic than asking for Paypal donations.
- If you opened a blog to draw attention to your vain self, Why not get a Myspace or a Facebook instead? They offer blogging tools and you’ll be able to whore yourself in more imaginative ways. Attention whore blogs are a dime a dozen. Opening a blog just to write meaningless shit about yourself won’t make you a unique little snowflake and it will be lost in the shuffle. Also, there’s already one Perez Hilton. Almost NO ONE makes it big in here. If it was like that, I’d be living off of this shit, so get off your rose colored high cloud.
OK I think that’s enough dream shattering for one night. I’ll be going to sleep with the hopes that this diatribe will deter at least ONE attention starved shit-for-brains from creating another useless blog, or at least convince an existing one to actually make a change and improve.
Don’t know what to change about your blog? Need a suggestion? There’s the comment box right below. I’ll be happy to tear your blog a new asshole. Or praise it to high heaven. Your call. Make my day.
For some fucking reason the bullets don’t work so the lists look like a massive wall of text. Hope you can handle that.
by Kaiser Dämmerung July 27th, 2008 at 9:53 amDS! Get off your ass and fix that shit ASAP! >:\
Fixed!
And I approve 100%
by darksoul July 27th, 2008 at 10:44 amI can’t say my blog is perfect. But like you say there are blogs that OMG! they should close them down. Maybe including mine [ha ha].
by Reavel July 27th, 2008 at 11:54 amMeh, that’s why I stopped blogging. First of all i’m lazy, I prefer reading. And second… well to be honest, I don’t have anything interesting or funny to say, so I just sit back, watch and enjoy.
But Dude… there’s still VIVIFICAT! and The Ego-lusting professor. Don’t you think Puertoblogs’ clock is still ticking with those 2 “luminarias del ciberespacio boricua” ?
*dodges invisible flying objects*
by SrBaluarte July 27th, 2008 at 12:07 pmSalve Gatoqueen, rey soberano de la blogosfera boricua.
“ESTOY ENCOJONAAAAOOOOOOOOOO”- Bebito Gruñon
by the ex blogger July 27th, 2008 at 2:05 pmPS:
DS, q mierda de capcha es ese?
by the ex blogger July 27th, 2008 at 2:06 pmyo espero que par de personas te hagan caso, a la verdad qye hay mucha mierda en los blogs puertorros. Hay algunos que son tan interesantes como ver grama crecer.
by Pik July 27th, 2008 at 4:01 pmEse de la chilla, un dia lo lei, y no podia creer que buscara simpatia en la internet la roba maridos esa…
mea culpa coño… te voy a hacer caso.
by afreytes July 27th, 2008 at 5:30 pmReavel: Your blog ain’t wrong at all. I like the layout, considering it’s black w/ white font. At least you didn’t choose a neon font to go against the black. *shiver*. I love the idea of placing the blogroll in another page. A gigantic list of blogs you barely ever read is the last thing you need cluttering up your sidebar.
by Kaiser Dämmerung July 27th, 2008 at 5:42 pmThe only thing that irks me are the… initials? on the left side. They’re too pixelated and kinda feel out of place with your layout. It stands out too much, and not in a good way. And the blog’s name is… extremely generic (unless that was your intention). Other than that, your blog can kick many other blog’s ass with it’s consistency only. So keep it up, you ain’t doing bad at all.
Baluarte: Indeed it takes a LOT of dedication to keep a blog running for more than a year, but some people just don’t get it. It’s alright to not have a blog! You’re not getting left behind! Jeez. If a person can’t deal with a blog, they could always get a Tweeter. It’s straight to the point, it’s easy, works wonders (when it’s not down) and lets you channel your inner attention whore in a quick, satisfactory way. I’d have one, but it would be too redundant.
As for “Mierdificat” and “Prof. Mono Huevín”, I never, ever, EVER set foot in their blogs, so as to not “grace” their worthless pages with more hits. I haven’t visited those shitholes in ages, and so it shall remain. They’re a cancer in the blogosphere. And they’ll only go away if people stop falling for their attention grabbing techniques and giving them hits and commenting. I am not aware if their readership has fallen through the years, but goddamn I sure hope so. Also since I mentioned them, I expect their attention starved selves to sneak in here and vomit their sanctimonious shit all over my brand new carpet. I shit you not. They’re the kind of people who Google themselves every day to see how popular they are.
by Kaiser Dämmerung July 27th, 2008 at 5:51 pmEx-blogger: El captcha le aparece a los que no han posteado antes, creo que te da un “Testing period” y después te deja comentar normalmente.
Gatoqueen debería aunque sea postear un “ESTOY VIVOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” para saber que no ha sido apachurrado por un truck o algo.
Bebito Gruñón RULEA.
by Kaiser Dämmerung July 27th, 2008 at 5:54 pmPik: El de la cuera esa robamaridos me encabronó de una manera especial porque yo y mi familia vivimos en carne propia lo que es pasar por ese bochorno. Pero eso es material para otro post. Si esa puta sigue posteando se cagó en su madre porque la voy a coger de punto.
by Kaiser Dämmerung July 27th, 2008 at 5:56 pmInfosoldier: Prácticamente el único issue que tengo contigo son las columnas. Como mencioné, una es suficiente, y aún así, si te quedas con una, deberías reducir la cantidad de contenido. Por ejemplo, si tienes una lista de “Recent comments”, en vez de poner 15 pon 8, o 5. Tener una lista de “recent posts” es redundante, porque el frente de tu página se encarga de presentar los posts más recientes por completo.
by Kaiser Dämmerung July 27th, 2008 at 6:03 pmTu blog también se beneficiaría bastante con un header más llamativo en vez de esa gradiente verde. Eso ayudaría bastante a personalizarlo.
Done. Still not sure about the colors… If any1 has a color palette suggestion do send it my way. TIA…
Oh, and Kaiser… TMF!
by afreytes July 27th, 2008 at 7:48 pmTMF? huh? What does that– Too Much Falafel! no wait. Uhhh… Tyrant Monkey Feces? Tits Mother Fucker! Or Too Much Fabulousness?
by Kaiser Dämmerung July 27th, 2008 at 8:45 pmEh, I got nuthin’.
I think you need to breath a bit. But otherwise, you do definitely make excellent points. I used to like the community myself. =/
by Di July 27th, 2008 at 8:57 pm… thanks… for the review.
by Reavel July 28th, 2008 at 12:36 amBTW… the name of the blog… i think kind of proper cause it is just a my blog … the blog asi que fue intencional. Reavel’s blog I didn’t liked it so I went with the simple The Blog.
by Reavel July 28th, 2008 at 1:12 amy los 10000 que hay quejandose del fucking gobierno como si no lo supieramos( y pa colmo coypastiando las noticias del ph o endi. el mono aun esta esperando que venga alguien pa entrevistarlo por su mierda de labor primate que realiza que no da gracia y a nadie le importa, solo a sus alumnos que le comentan pa que le den puntos extras. vivificar ese mamabicho sii pq ese cabron debe ser mas maricon que el bizcochito y por dios que vive con un butplug permanente en forma de crucifijo en el culo de cura pato fustrao ese tipo es una escoria un enfermo mental deberian venir 15 negros de 9′ cada uno y sodomizarlo como a el le gusta pa que se le quite la fucking homofobia y fanatismo de mierda que tiene
by evaristo July 28th, 2008 at 4:48 amGatoqueen…extrano ese blog. Todavia imito a la Barbie Gamberra y mi sis y yo nos saludamos “miraaaaaa….que tu haceeeeees?”
by Codeina July 28th, 2008 at 10:33 amEs masm Gatoqueen es hasta bueno para ensenar espanol as a secong laguange. Mis sobrinas gringosas repetian las frases de Cususa.
EVARISTO CABRON ROFLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
Por poco me meo con ese comment.
10/10
by SrBaluarte July 28th, 2008 at 11:22 amCode, yo todavía tengo el MP3 de Cucusa que lo iba a poner de ringtone pero no pude porque cambié de teléfono.
Y gracias a Gatoqueen fue que redescubrí la magia de Rafaella Carrá, después de dos décadas de haberme olvidado de ella.
Evaristo, tu blog es el Jesucristo de la blogosfera, se destruye y a los pocos días resurge como el fénix. Y el Profe y Jodificat maldicen su existencia una vez más.
by Kaiser Dämmerung July 28th, 2008 at 6:04 pmFuck yeah.
Don’t know what to change about your blog? Need a suggestion? There’s the comment box right below. I’ll be happy to tear your blog a new asshole. Or praise it to high heaven. Your call. Make my day.
Please do!
by Alfonso July 28th, 2008 at 10:03 pmLOL WAT.
You? of all people? the guy who has single-handedly butt-raped every known blog design stereotype with his page? You don’t need advice you need a fucking prize.
The only thing I could nit-pick is the lack of a dated archive, but since the page has enough space on it’s front to display all posts available at the moment, I can see how you can do without that (for now). That is… Until the home page gets ridiculously long with entries and turns into a scroll-fest.
Also, was it an intentional move to not list the categories anywhere? I see them in posts, but that’s about it.
Overall, you’ve taken a simplistic approach and it works fucking wonders. Bitches should learn a thing or two. But you already knew that
by Kaiser Dämmerung July 28th, 2008 at 11:05 pmPsssst. Quieres reirte un rato?
El penúltimo blog que tienes en la lista, el del tal calimano. Pertenece a un viejito cua cua, que le gustan los gorditos y ositos.
Su pareja tiene un blog, que deberias dedicarle un post. Quieres saber por que? Entra y lo sabrás!
http://formaparticular.blogspot.com/
Pues si te fijas bien, ambos usan sus blogs para enviarse mensajitos cada vez que tienen una pelea jijiji
Uno de los dos es la drama queen mas llorona y mas EMO que tu podrás imaginarte.
Te doy $20 si averiguas cual es.
CIAO!!!!! besitos besitos
by Bacalao July 29th, 2008 at 5:42 amOh dios en que bache de mierda me has hecho caer…
Me imagino que tu eres el anónimo cizañero que hace que al osito drama queen se le erizen los pelos de la crica del encojonamiento. LOL!!
Maldita sea ese blog que pusiste ahí es peor que leer los escritos de una mujer menopáusica a la que el marido le pega cuernos, el hijo le confiesa que es pato y la hija le sale preñá.
Que jodío show.
by Kaiser Dämmerung July 29th, 2008 at 6:19 amay santo,,,tuve que ir a ver el blog ese de bacalo,,y como me he reido,,a ese viejo le va a explotar una vena del coraje,,,jajaja
by Pik July 29th, 2008 at 12:39 pmI hope you are not getting the “I’m better than thou” syndrome.
Enjoy the states and let us be. It must be the sun.
Oh, and don’t come back. Ever.
by Edwin Vázquez July 29th, 2008 at 9:41 pmFunny you should mention that “syndrome”, seeing as you’ve suffered from it ever since you reared your fugly head in the blogosphere. Have you ever asked yourself why most people can’t stand you? It certainly takes an attention whore to recognize another one.
Case in point: It only took a couple of days for you to smell someone talking about you and bam! here you are, commenting. Ridiculously predictable. Reinforcing my theory that you’re one of those people who google themselves every morning.
Now all we need is a visit from the bible thumping sycophant and the circle will be complete.
by Kaiser Dämmerung July 29th, 2008 at 10:24 pmjajajaja el de calimano ese don da o daba clase en la inter cuando yo estudiaba, por eso lo que su blog me da es gracia como un casco e viejo esta todavia con los dramas de nena de 9no grado, vi el del novio cuando salio pero es inmamable, pero el de calimano me esta tan tierno como llama a su mama Mommie jajajaj llevo par de tiempo que lo vi y me esta de lo mas cute
de echo a calimano creo que lo vi en la escena del blue oyster bar en Locademia de Policia
a y para no perder la costumbre Edwin mira
la foto de la mujer del mono profesor
by evaristo July 29th, 2008 at 10:57 pmEdwin no te preocupes que mientras exista tusa como tu en Puerto Rico preferimos no volver
by darksoul July 29th, 2008 at 11:16 pmThis is why we can’t have nice things…
by afreytes July 30th, 2008 at 11:13 amEvaristo, por favor postea el clasico “Yo Opino” del Mono Huevin! Es el mejor video musical de todos los tiempos!
by Codeina July 30th, 2008 at 11:21 amYo apoyo la moción de Codeína. También vendría siendo un recordatorio de aquellos tiempos cuando la blogosfera boricua no suckeaba tanto.
by Kaiser Dämmerung July 30th, 2008 at 11:39 amWhoa! Did you even bother to go to the archives. I joined puertoblogs because I’m Puerto Rican. It doesn’t mean every thing I say has to be so ethnic-centric. I left the “Have a nice weekend” thing for my devoted readers. I was not in the mood to blog but I wanted them to know I’m still around. Not everything that comes out of my laptop will be deep and moving or depressing or down. For example,Read my music post. I have some enjoyable reading. This is my blog and you are more than welcomed to read it but be fair. I understand the funky blues can become tiresome but some people are funky for a while and the blog is an outlet but I’m not always down. It just so happens that from time to time I will be.
BTW my blog is called SEESAW and the “tag line” reads because life is filled with ups and downs and I’m teeter totering all over it. That’s pretty self explanatory that not everything you read on my blog will be pollyanna, rainbows and unicorns.
I do appreciate your opinion and it is nice to hear it. I’ll take it as constrcutive critism but whew it was harsh
Be Blessed
Ms Dee
P.S. plus side of all this is I found a new blog to read
by MsDee August 7th, 2008 at 3:45 pmFurthermore, It’s a blog not the Wall Street Journal. It’s my personality. If I like glitter I’ll put some glitter on.
If I like music videos I’ll add those too.
It’s MY blog. No one forces you to read it.
The use of an enormous amount of expletives shows a lack of a broad vocabulary.
I found your post interesting but harsh.
by MsDee August 7th, 2008 at 3:51 pmIndeed. Your blog IS your personality.
You poor thing
by Kaiser Dämmerung August 7th, 2008 at 5:07 pmI wrote a post or two on my blog and removed them. For you I may be pathetic or a poor thing but I’m loved just the same
by msdee August 7th, 2008 at 5:11 pmI haven’t called you pathetic. Stop putting YOURSELF down and then coming here and blaming me. So I don’t like your blog. Big deal. Stop flipping out about it, go outside and do something productive instead of sitting there and pressing F5 to see if I react to your veiled passive aggressive insults.
by Kaiser Dämmerung August 7th, 2008 at 5:26 pmOh, I see. You’re one of those…
Mijo, that intro image is the most disturbing thing I’ve seen in a long, long time.
by Xtian August 11th, 2008 at 9:41 amIt is also the most literal and accurate image of PR’s blogging community I have ever laid eyes on.
by Kaiser Dämmerung August 12th, 2008 at 4:56 amJust try not to think of the little baby turds
Yo estaba buscando mierdas que leer y eso, ahora que tengo más tiempo libre del trabajo… Me entretuvo mucho el de unaformaparticular o algo, es decir: Da mucha risa!, chico. También el de la muchacha que le gusta el sexo y la droga (no recuerdo el nombre)me acordó a las chamaquitas que entran a la tienda como las más exited y más jodonas, las más que chichan y todo eso. Sabrá Dios si es una clienta.
by LoudovikA August 22nd, 2008 at 8:09 am