For those of you who are not privileged enough to be my Fakebook friends, here’s a bunch of pictures DS and I have posted, taken throughout our epic quest to establish ourselves in the Holy Land known as Texas. I won’t give you a long winded intro because people are fucking lazy and don’t read anymore, so here’s the pics and some descriptions:

The day of our departure was a rainy, sad, miserable piece of shit. Good thing the flights weren’t delayed or canceled because that cloud was fucking with us the whole day. At this point I’m still not excited for some weird reason, since the fear of leaving something important behind kept my thoughts pretty busy.

We needed a way to be able to tell apart our luggage from the millions of clones we’d encounter on the baggage claim, so we ironed on a little bit of AWESOME on each piece. It worked perfectly. We spotted them from a mile away and spend only about 5 minutes on the baggage claim. Just like in Puerto Rico, right? Ahaha…

Yay we’re in Orlando! Little did we know that we would overstay our welcome pretty soon. Thanks to someone you may have heard about.

Our rooms. We had a one bed at first, but when we renewed we had to pick a 2-bed, which made us feel a bit like Fred and Wilma Flintstone. It felt weird to sleep alone after sharing your bed with someone for 3 1/2 years. DS seemed to like the change and insisted we stay the rest of our days in a 2 bed. That ungrateful punk.

Well, since we’re gonna be stuck in Whorelando we might as well take a stroll through the ol’ i-Drive (in no way related, owned, or associated with Apple, Inc.)

We were pretty fortunate to book our stay in a tourist-heavy area, or those 2 weeks of waiting hell would have been especially torturous with nothing near.

Speaking of near, look what we had right in front of us. Taunting us with it’s people screaming and having the time of their lives while we can’t take advantage of it since we have to watch our finances because we’re both unemployed and don’t have a fixed income. Fuck.

Well, since we can’t do nothing FUN *grumble grumble* why don’t we walk around, see what we can find that doesn’t require spending a shitload of cash?

Hey look! It’s a Star Trek gift shop! You can tell it’s Star Trek related because of the giant Vulcan kid painted in the front. Although, that white thing has got to be a really old model of the Enterprise…

Hey look, it’s the McDonald’s with the biggest play place in the world! They should just cut the crap and fill that shit up with treadmills for all those fat little fucks they keep creating with their greasy-ass excuse for food. Or maybe some giant hamster wheels. Or TV’s hooked up to Wii Fit.

Is that it? is that all there is to see? Isn’t there something that could ease our never ending misery caused by a negligent shipping company? *Gasp* Wha–what is that I see in the horizon! Could it be?!

It’s IHOP!! Yes! YES I want that shit in my face and all over my tits YES!!–

Umm… Anyway let’s go in and eat something.

Waiting for our order to come. And yes, I did beat it several times. The trick is to clear them from the outside to the inside. *please ignore my dirty illegal immigrant ’stache*

OH CHRIST YES ALL OVER MY TITS AND ASS. Delicious carrot pancakes, so fluffy and moist. They sure made ME moist.

After that orgasmic breakfast which quickly became routine every morning, we decided to go further down i-Drive to see if it was really only made of restaurants, annoying Disney ticket pushers and gift shops.

Oh hey! It’s Ripley’s Believe it or Not Museum! That looks like a fun and affordable fun time.

Affordable MY ASS. They raped our wallets for $40. And judging by the contents of this rank old building, it was absolutely NOT WORTH IT. The most interesting thing was right there at the beginning, a talking hologram of Ripley’s lookalike. Everything else was just a bunch of tribal masks, cheap optical illusions you see on every goddamn email forward, wax figures and fake representations or just pictures of actual things he saw during his travels around the world. Fuck this shit. I didn’t pay to see no plastic two-headed cow, for forty bucks I want that two-headed bitch alive and eating out of my hand. Fuckin’ tourist trap.

Near the end of that painful scam, I got an allergy outbreak. Not even a bathroom nearby to blow out the five gallons of snot building up in my nasal cavity. Fuck this shit let’s hit fast forward and go. If you wanna see the rest of the useless hogwash we photographed in there, check out our respective Fakebooks. It’s not like you’re missing much.

A few days later we received the wonderful news that the shipping fucktards finally had our car ready for release, so that same morning we packed up our shit and got the hell out of Orlando as if we had a firecracker lit in our asses.

Here you can see DS’s expression of utter bliss when he finally got his hands on his beloved car.

And here is the real start of our journey. Two weeks after we arrived. We could have been in Texas days ago but no. Boricuas Bestiales had to be involved. But that doesn’t matter anymore! we got our car! We’re finally driving to our destination! Let’s just enjoy all the scenery and the different…

…Trees. And more trees. And farms. And green valleys. Full of cows. Eating grass. Under trees. And then there’s… more trees up ahead. By now DS’s expression of glee has been replaced with “serious face”.

Basically 17 out of the 19 hours we spent on the trip were like this: green green green green green green green green green green green green green green *stop to pee* green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green *stop to eat* green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green…

Oh look a bridge! green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green motherfucking green…

Green green green green gree– Wait! What is that? Do my laser enhanced eyes deceive me? Sweet mother of my ass welded to the passenger seat! It’s a city! Finally some civilization! Beautiful smog and concrete! Praise the gods!

This underwater tunnel took us completely by surprise. We were driving around and then suddenly “holy fucking shit we’re in an underwater tunnel OMG”. It felt really constricted. A claustrophobic would have lost his shit in there.

And then it was back to the fucking green. Oh well, at least this time there were miles and miles of stinky, sweaty, alligator ridden swamp to change the scenery.

Another thing that was a bit freaky is that those shots were taken at 7:30-8 p.m., and the sun was shining as if it was fucking 4 p.m. We’re still not used to the sun setting so late (at about 9 in the evening), but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. The extra hours of sunlight are a welcome change.

A few hours later we arrived in a Motel 6 in Slidell, Louisiana. We didn’t take any pictures there since once you see a Motel 6, you’ve seen them all, but this one was not only smaller, but we were greeted by a very friendly little cockroach that creeped out from behind the night table. We got to see first hand the glaring difference between a motel in a tourist area and it’s counterpart in a backwater town. The clerk guy was a douche and the pool was filthy and filled with these nasty ghetto bitches screaming at their kids. And no, we didn’t go to New Orleans or the fucking French Quarter. We just wanted to get to our destination so bad and wanted to spend the least money on fuel, so stuff like that just had to wait.  Besides, what’s the appeal of the French Quarter and why is everyone feverishly suggesting we go as if it was some sort of holy land? I know it has an interesting night life and great places to eat, but gimme a break, it’s not like it’s the only place in America that has that. It’s not even Mardi Gras season, for fuck’s sake. Get a grip. We didn’t go. Deal with it.

And besides, it’s not like I’m dying to see the remnants of Katrina and the results of government negligence.

The next day (and after a very uneasy night’s sleep fearful of being molested by a vindictive cockroach looking to avenge the grisly death of it’s colleague), we left as early as we could. The rest of the trip was equally uneventful as the first half, so barely any photos were taken. Until we finally saw this and we screamed like two bitches hopped up on cocaine and redbull:

Awwwwwwww yeahhhhh. WELCOME TO TEXAS MOTHERFUCKS. Only a few more hours to go!

Unfortunately that’s enough for today kiddies, I’ve crippled your browser with enough photos. Tune in next time for more pictures of our triumphant arrival upon what is now “Le Chateau du Kaiser et le Darky”, and some pictures of Plano, a.k.a. “The Stepford City”.

Posted in Big 'Ol Texas, Dark Soul, OMG, Travel |

5 comments to “It’s Happy Fun Travel Picture Time!”

Leave a Comment (It may take a while to appear)