I’m gonna have to buy me a microSD if I’m gonna keep up with all the weird and fascinating shit I get to snap on my disgustingly blurry cell phone camera on a daily basis.

Speaking of shit, you may have seen this horrible affront to good taste whenever you’re in Guaynabo, on the corner of Quizno’s and Bellas Artes (sorry, don’t know the names of those streets).

This is supposed to be a banner for a DESIGN school. My design school. My alma mater. Then, if it is indeed a design school…

WHO THE FUCK APPROVED THIS GODDAMN HORRIBLE MISHMASH OF PHOTOSHOP FILTERS AS A LEGITIMATE ADVERTISEMENT?

I imagine they made a competition between first year students who were just then learning to use photoshop and the least atrocious design turned out to be this and won. Because I refuse to think that a full fledged graphic designer made this. Motherfucker went crazy with the Outer Glow, bright, clashing colors, gradients all over, a freaky CG alien face that sprays urine out of its eyes, bevel/emboss all text, and the font. OH GOD, THE FONT.

I wish I could meet whoever designed that and shake his hand. It takes a special kind of failure at life to be able to put together something so garish. If I were a loving parent, I would NEVER enroll my kid in a school that uses this sacrilege as publicity.

I guess they really wanted this ad to stand out. It does, but for completely wrong reasons. People probably drive by the avenue, look up and scream “JESUS FUCK WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SHIT?!” and then they crash and die.

Next!

I was driving around San Patricio and I saw this peculiar ad for one of those shady rapid weight loss scams. But this one had a special ingredient that called my attention:

If you notice, right below “energybolizer” you can make out that it reads “Con EFEDRA”.

Ephedra. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! A plant extract that is BANNED BY THE FUCKING FDA, proven to have taken the lives of several people and ruined many others, brazenly advertising itself on our streets. This has truly become a no man’s land.

You may think that I’m probably falling for some conspiracy theory crap that tries to discredit this medicine for no apparent reason. Well let me make you a little story about my personal beef with ephedra. My sister, an athlete during her college years, took dietary supplements with this extract, to help her with weight loss, appetite control, and also to maximize her performance while running. After a few months, she started noticing she sometimes woke up lying on the floor, apparently fallen from her bed. She also reported waking up with bites on her tongue and raging migraines and body pains. Nobody had any idea what it was, we all just assumed she was a bad sleeper. Until one night, the screams of my mother were heard all throughout the neighborhood. My sister was having a full blown seizure, with her eyes rolled back, foaming at the mouth, and jerking spastically. You know, the works. I’ll never forget that scene. It was truly a nightmare come to life. We couldn’t do anything but wait until the epileptic episode was over, while calming my mom, who had gone hysterical. It got so bad that we couldn’t even yawn loudly, or mom would come running to our room, thinking we were having a seizure too, confused by the weird moaning sound. She became a wreck and to this day she’s still a bundle of nerves.

It didn’t take long to discover that the root of those seizures were, of course, the supplements. She stopped taking them and entered a heavy medication regime, which still goes on to this day (the seizures started about 8 years ago) and it has even put both of her pregnancies at stake, since she had to come off meds while pregnant. Thank Zeus she’s been able to pull them off without complication.

So there you have it. That’s why everytime I see something that says “Ephedra”, “Efedra”, “Ephedrine” or “Ma Huang” (it’s chinese name), I want to burn that product and the people who make them, because all they remind me off is of the image of my sister flailing uncontrollably on the floor.

But enough depressing stories. Let’s focus on something… GAYER

*CUE THE SLUTTY DISCO MUSIC*

So I went to the disco last march, after almost three years of avoiding any and all gay hangouts, mostly because me and DS are lazy bastards and we have no need for the bar/club scene anymore. The place had been remodeled and renamed again, but I still remembered my way around it. The drag show that night was, without a doubt, the gayest thing I had seen in ages. First of all, there’s nothing as fierce as a Drag Queen Nun. NOTHING.

That’s “Jamie Sunflower”, milking the shit out of “Semana Santa”. Bitch was hilarious. And yes, there was a huge crucifix in the back of the stage. With Christmas lights. Hey, homos worship too, you know.

As if the night hadn’t started gay enough, it turns out it was the final night of a “Voguing” competition. What’s voguing? Well. Remember Madonna’s “Vogue” video? Remember it has all these queers dancing around doing fruity choreographies and being girlier than Madonna herself? Well it turns out they’ve made that choreography into a dancing style, which is the gayest form of dance this side of the Macarena.

Here’s one of the contestants. I couldn’t get pics of the other ones because, sadly, I ran out of storage space (see? I NEED that microSD!). If you wanna have a clear idea of what I experienced, check this shit out. I saw a total of five guys doing that on stage. After such an onslaught of gayness all I wanted to do was bail the fuck out, go to a seedy dirty bar, smoke unfiltered Marlboros, drink Schaefer all night and hit on some ugly bar skank, possibly starting a bar fight with her biker boyfriend and breaking bottles on people’s heads. I swear my gayness did a 180 and reset itself. My body felt so ashamed that it grew more chest hair to even out the blow.

Luckily the effects of watching that aren’t completely permanent, as you could see by the choice of drinks me, DS and our friends order whenever we go out to have a bite:

Gay drink extravaganza. Painfully absent is the tiny paper umbrella. That would have sealed the deal.

Oh, and R.I.P. TGI Fridays. Your artichoke cheese dip will be missed.

On a total change of subject, it’s been long since I did some celebrity sighting in my job, mostly because after we switched buildings all the celebs go straight to the second floor, and the lowly ground dwellers only get a glimpse of celebs when they take their time to greet the little people downstairs.

This next pic is incredibly blurry, because I didn’t want to get too close to her in case she accidentaly gouged out my eyes with her talons. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

Ivy Queen.

La Caballota was touring the whole newspaper, taking pics with everyone to approached her. She seems nice, but there was no way in hell I would approach this and ask her to pose for me. Now Daddy and David, on the other hand…

I also once saw Kany García, but since her “Amigo en el baño” song annoys the fucking hell out of me, I ignored her like the one hit wonder she is.

Finally, here’s some good ol’ narcissistic fun. Here’s me with my favorite t-shirt:

The back says: “You’ve got Filter Power!”. Heh.

Although definitely not as much as whoever designed the Atlantic College ad.

That’s all I got for now. Smell ya later.

Posted in Celebs, Gay, WTF, Work |

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