:( 
So these crazy bitches at work are taking this "miraculous" weight loss pill.
What does this have to do with the title? Well I’m referring to the drug Xenical, which is being branded as the new wonder drug when it comes to shedding the fat out of your system. Thats right. This is the second coming of Fattaché, people. Except Xenical is an FDA approved, internationally promoted pill recommended by dieticians everywhere, unlike that other stuff that’s promoted by old, attention-starved media whores.
Now, how exactly does this wonder drug "shed" the fat it traps when you eat the usual mountain of grease-drenched crap you’re not supposed to be eating anyway? Naturally, you expel it through your ass. In it’s natural oily form. What does this mean exactly?
ANAL LEAKAGE. Good lord, people will do anything to get thin. How in the hell do you walk around knowing that when you eat greasy food there’s a big chance that an oil slick could happen IN YOUR PANTS? and it’s not just any oil. It’s SHIT OIL. Just like olive oil, except that instead of being extracted from olives, it’s extracted from your own TURDS. How fabulous is that?
I am appalled at how these ladies openly discuss the times they’ve had an "accident" and how nonchalantly they state that if you’re on "the pill", it’s imperative that on your first days you use a fucking maxi pad on your ass to stop the leakage from staining your clothes -yes, men are also advised to wear one as well. And yes, the stain and the smell of liquified shit are permanent. There is no oil in existence that’s easy to remove from fabric.
Would you really be so desperate to lose weight fast that you’d have to subject yourself to withhold farting or avoiding any strong efforts like lifting heavy stuff for fear of ripping a "wet one"? I mean I see them and I can just imagine them clenching their ass whenever they feel a bowel movement (and sprinting to the bathroom with their butcheeks gripped tight afterwards). What manner of fucked up torture is this? It’s the old kindergarten + diarrhea story we all have, except that now you’re a grown-up, and shitting your pants is not only unnaccepable, but fucking atrocious. Unless you’re one of those nasty shit fetish freaks.
They go on saying that after a while the body gets used to it and the ass doesn’t leak anymore, but still, basically everyone in my workplace who has tried this stuff says they’ve had an "accident". I cringe whenever the topic comes up. The thought of "shit oil" trickling down your leg while you don’t notice and people telling you "hey you have a wet spot back there" and you notice the awful smell is reason enough to avoid this sort of thing. I know people are desperate to lose weight with the least amount of effort but fuck! this is just insane. These. Bitches. Are. INSANE.
Then again, they must have made some sort of peace with the concept of leaking assholes, since up to this day they still pop those pills religiously and try to convince as many people to get in on the "Anal Exxon-Valdez" fest. They even go into a frenzy whenever any drug store offers a discount on them and flock to it in groups!… Hey, now that I think about it, they’re all fairly recent moms, so I guess the idea of having shit smeared over them is not as revolting as it is to me. Actually I think that’s it. There have been countless times where I’d have to dive for my iPod just because they somehow decide that the color/smell/consistency of their baby’s excrement is an interesting topic for conversation. Can you imagine having FOUR mothers whose cubicles are contiguous to yours excitedly talk about how big their kid’s turd was this morning? Would it be equally cute if I pulled down my pants, dropped a huge load on the carpet and then proceeded to examine it and talk about nonstop?
Yeah, I thought so. I swear, if the four of them get pregnant at the same time I would either kill myself or quit as soon as I hear the news. That or request a transfer to the sports or hard news section.
Oh and did I mention that I was also "accidentally" outed at my job? Yep, now the whole section where I work knows (some of them even read this and are probably gonna hang me for talking shit about those diet pills). But this rant has gone long enough. That’s a topic for another entry.
In the meantime I’ll make sure not to get my brain washed and start joining the "Non Virgin Ass Oil" club. Unless I’m assured that it will make me look like THIS in a couple of months, with no diets and minimal exercise.
Fat chance. Especially after reading THIS.
HAHAHA!
Hilarious.
by KiWi March 26th, 2007 at 2:22 amthat is fucking funny, and sad at the same time. People will do anything to avoid exercising to loose weight.
pretty soon someone will have the great idea to design the ASS Tampon, for those leaky days,,,hahaha.
by Pikmina March 26th, 2007 at 10:19 amPobre Carita Ovelius.. esa mujer si que esta bien jodia pu~eta.
BTW, underwear dude, not safe for the university, but thanks for the eye candy.
by Motro March 26th, 2007 at 1:54 pmMe suena al mismo tipo de desventuras que sufre Hugo/Evaristo en su oficina. No los envidio. Aqui por lo menos los pocos padres que hay son escepticos, y no hablan de sus hijos tanto … o sus hijos ya estan grandecitos, y los detalles nasty del parenting ya pasaron … Y no, nadie aqui tiene un coco pastillero conducente a la diarrea colectiva. Aqui hacen dietas estupidas, pero sensibles. No anal leakage whatsoever.
by Anais March 26th, 2007 at 3:59 pmDamn, I’d never even heard of that drug - although I’ve heard of anal leakage. Wasn’t there some potato chip made with Olean that caused anal leakage a few years back?
But still, if a little pill could make me look like that guy you posted, I would gladly clench and avoid lifting anything heavy. Maybe.
by Xtian March 28th, 2007 at 12:28 pmActually lots of potato chips used to cause anal leakage, especially those “low fat” diet ones. I think it had to do with the sunflower seed oil they use to fry ‘em.
by Kaiser March 28th, 2007 at 4:09 pmLa pastillita, que por cierto es maravillosa, y no siempre ocasiona accidentes, se llama XENICAL. Anímense cerditos. Salgan corriendo del corral a comprar la píldora mágica.
by Barbara March 29th, 2007 at 4:01 pmAhora cada vez que vea a Barbara y a “la beata” (le tenia otro nombre pero Kaiser me lo censuró) voy a estar pensando en su “liqueo”, especialmente cuando las vea comiendo algo grasoso. Fo. No me las imagino caminando por toda la oficina con el culo encharcao y jidiondo.
by DarK SouL March 29th, 2007 at 4:16 pmEste cuero aguanta lo que sea. Qué débil eres. No dejes que te censuren. Yo que siempre he admirado tu irreverencia. No seas gallina…ya pato eres.
by Barbara March 29th, 2007 at 5:17 pm¡Qué de lo último! Si hubiera sabido esto, le hubiera pedido un poquito de liqueo a Paris, adicional a su tampón y sus pizcas de vómito de semen y flujo clitorítico secos.
Fíjate, también sería interesante que hicieras un post sobre los liqueos que sufren los closeteros bottom que no toman las debidas precauciones cuando se jartan de grasa humana a escondidas del mundo.
Por cierto, no sabía que habías salido del clóset en el trabajo. ¡Qué bueno! ¡Que para bien sea! Ya era hora de que Manuel y yo dejáramos de ser los únicos patos liberados del lugar, que bastante atestado de closeteros y closeteras está. A ver si el resto se anima a salir. Me llena las caras que ponen las gentes “proper” de allí cuando les salgo con alguna de mis apreciaciones sobre la belleza masculina.
by Héctor Aponte Alequín April 3rd, 2007 at 10:13 pmQUE MALDITA FIJACIÓN CON PARIS HILTON DIOS MIO JESÚ MAGNÍFICA REPRÉNDELO SATANÁ!
Aaaanyway… La salida de clóset fue en mi sección nada más gracias a una compañera de trabajo que experimentó un momento pasajero de clarividencia y lo espepitó como si estuviera poseída. Después doy más detalles.
El resto del edificio sigue clueless pero yo no tengo prisa por que se enteren. El que quiera saber que me pregunte y yo contesto feliz.
Y sobre los closeteros bottom, creo que has entrevistado (y trabajado) con suficientes para tener mucho más material que yo. Jejejejeje….
by Kaiser Dämmerung April 4th, 2007 at 12:36 am¿Que el resto del edificio sigue clueless? ¿Pero dónde tú te crees que trabajas?
Lo que no sabía era que la salida del clóset había sido por una impertinencia ajena. Qué de lo último. Bendito, la que me da pena es una de tus chicas que de seguro te venía echando el ojo (y El Ojo) a ver qué lograba, como lo hizo conmigo. Ah… viejos tiempos, tan divertido que era.
Pero, como dices, ése será tema para otro post. Espero que lo escribas. That’s hot.
by Héctor Aponte Alequín April 4th, 2007 at 12:39 pmCoooooomo es eso? cuenta cuenta cuenta! Cuál de las de aquí estaba echando maíz?
by Kaiser April 4th, 2007 at 1:08 pmQué fueLLLte …
Antes de ayer tenías esas jodías pastillas en mi mano, a dios gracias que mejor me los gasté en alcohol. Pero, ya no me mentiré más coño … tengo que salir hacer ejercicios.
*escribe mientras se ejpepita un pe’azo e’ pizza re-calentau’*
by LoudovikA April 7th, 2007 at 12:25 amQue cuente para ir a agarrar por el pelo a la puta esa que te hacía ojitos!! >:(
by DarK SouL April 8th, 2007 at 6:22 pm¿Por el pelo? ¿Lo que ella tiene en la cabeza es pelo?
by tor April 12th, 2007 at 10:27 pmLOL!
by Kaiser Dämmerung April 12th, 2007 at 10:35 pmCon esa pista creo que sé de quien estás hablando. Y no me sorprende.
Now you know why Daniel Radcliffe was clenching it on those Equus promo shots.
by AGArzola May 13th, 2007 at 9:49 pm