WARNING: INSIDIOUSLY GEEKY THREAD

Yes, I bought the DS LITE.

I know I said that I’d buy one after I was done refurbishing what is going to become my new headquarters (Darky’s apartment) but I just couldn’t wait any longer.

I had no intention to buy this gorgeous timewaster anytime soon, but last weekend Darky and I were kinda bored and I started whining about wanting a DS Lite (like I used to do every half hour when we got together) and suddenly he’s like, "ok if you buy one of those then I’m allowed to buy a fucking X-box 360!" and I was like "O yeah?" and he’s like "yeah!" and at first I thought he was joking around but then I realized he was serious and I said "Fuck yo’ bitch-ass. Im’a buy me one of them DS’s right now, slut!" (yes, we talk to each other in such endearing, heartwarming ways). Long story short, Darky is now prone to random fits of violence when he’s away from his new X-box 360 and I’m developing serious carpal tunnel syndrome by playing lots and lots of New Super Mario and Sonic Rush, who, ironically, were the most bitter of arch-nemeses when I started playing videogames.

Now they share consoles, and it is my secret desire that someday Sonic will battle against Mario in one of those Super Smash Brothers type of games. Hey, if Solid Snake is appearing in the next Smash Brothers, then everything’s possible.

So far I only have those 2 games, Sonic, of course, being my favorite of the two.

It was so damn hard to find!!! I had to go all the way to Montehiedra (HATE that place, I used to work there) to get the last copy left in the metropolitan area. Apparently nobody else had it, except for those fucktards in San Patricio who told me over the phone that they had it and when I got there, the game didn’t even have a box and they wanted to sell it to me as new. FUCK them.

The game is the fastest 2D sonic game I’ve seen so far, and not only is it challenging as hell, but it also makes use of both screens when you’re zooming around, one second he’s running on the top screen then he falls down a slope and ends up on the bottom screen in just milliseconds. You gotta have reflexes of steel to follow this little blue fiend. It would be nice if you could use more characters like in Sonic Adventure, but aside from that, the game fuckin’ rocks.

Mario is just what it’s always been. THE best platformer in the history of videogames, EVER. I’ve never owned an actual Mario game except for the occasional emulator. I have always regretted never owning a copy, because even though I started my trip down videogame lane with a Sega Genesis, I was a closet Super Mario fan. 

A little detail turns me off about this game, and it’s the fact that there’s not a single flying powerup to be found.

That was one of the things I loved about Super Mario World, getting the feather powerup and flying across the pixel skies, or getting the leaf in Super Mario 3 and hovering with your racoon tail. Oh well, at least the fire flower pops up in every corner of the game for you to spam fireballs.

EAT FLAMES, YOU FUNGUS-FACED FUCK!!!

Aside from those 2 games, right now there aren’t any other DS games that strike my fancy, since their library is still growing (if you don’t count the HUNDREDS of compatible Game Boy Advance games already available). Fortunately by this christmas, if we don’t count all the titles that will get bumped back (they always do), the DS library will double, maybe even triple it’s size. I’m keeping my eyes on these upcoming social life stealers:

• Final Fantasy III - remade in full 3D for the DS only! If they do this for FFVI I will have an aneurysm and die with a big smile.
• Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin - There’s already a great Castlevania game out for DS, but this one promises to be even better so I’ll wait and see for myself.
• Marvel: Ultimate Alliance - It’s from the people that brought the awesome action-rpg hybrids Xmen Legends 1 & 2, so a portable version featuring new marvel legends (Thor, Spiderman, Iron Man, Ghost Rider, etc.) is a must buy for me.
• Lunar Knights - Let me put it this way: think Zelda, with vampires, AND in space. Geek paradise. And speaking of zelda…
• Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass - Following the style and possibly the story of Zelda: Windwaker for the Gamecube, it promises to cram that massive 3D world into the tiny DS. I will no longer have a life by now.
• Bomberman DS - Warfare over Wi-fi!!!!

There are also rumors that there’s a secret MMORPG in development for the DS, and if that rumor is true, then I’m afraid to say that humanity as we know it is DOOMED.

If massively multiplayer games are as addictive as crack in your computer, can you imagine having the option to carry it anywhere you want? It’s like the number of accidents, people running into solid objects, and low productivity in the workplace will experience a spike in numbers, we will all be connected in a hive mind to this devilish little machine, and the world will end when the jocks take over and fuck everything up (the nerds, who run everything now, will be too busy playing a portable online RPG to actually give a damn). We will all live in a wasteland where places with Wi-fi connection will be the sought after utopias dreamed by humankind, and those of us without a connection or even a functional DS will wallow and perish in complete misery, fighting for survival as filthy outcasts in a barren, MMORPG-devoid world.

See what this shit does to me? I’ve completely strayed off topic and gave you a free script for a summer Hollywood blockbuster movie from the Wachowski Brothers (If I ever see this plot anywhere I’ll fucking sue!)

Now let me be. I must count down the hours until I get off work and get home to submerge myself in utter portable gaming bliss. Ta-ta!

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