Sorry for the previous outburst. I just had to get it off my chest. It’s not every day that you see a game machine being named after urine. So let’s just forget that and carry on.

Last time we read about:

Getting sunburned

"La Jalda Silenciosa", or Silent Hill, PR

Being harassed by a ghetto ho

Among other fucked up things.

But today, children, we’re gonna learn about:

MONKEEEEEEEYSS!!!

But first…

DAY 7: Who said there weren’t any good beaches left?

We wanted to get sunburned again, but we got sick and tired of Seven Seas. We had seen this beach in Luquillo hidden by numerous chinchorros de fritura, so we said what the hell. If it sucks we could always go further. This is an island. The nearest beach is always half an hour away no matter where you are. We arrived to Balneario La Monserrate and what we found blew us away. The beach was clean and secure, there weren’t that many people, the water was cristal clear (I love this shot!) and the sights around us were just beautiful. The photos don’t do justice to how damn good this place was. If you have the chance, go check it out for yourself on a very sunny day. You won’t regret it.

After the beach we still didn’t feel like going back to the apartment, so we decided to waste our money and a couple of braincells by watching Scary Movie 4. I don’t know what makes us watch these movies. We all know they’re horrible. But I think it’s part of human nature to actually want to witness trainwrecks such as these so we don’t have to hear about them from anybody else. The thing is, horrible as the movie may be, It still filled the theater with noisy pubescent kids (one of the reasons why they downgraded the last 2 movies from R to PG-13, their audience quadruples) so it still makes millions anyway and keeps alive the hope of yet another pointless sequel. Oh well, Anna Faris has to eat and pay bills, doesn’t she? I won’t deny that it has it’s laugh-out-loud moments, but come on. We’ve all seen those jokes before. It’s recycled toilet humor, literally. You’ll know what I’m talking about in one of Carmen Electra’s scenes.

DAY 8: Finally, the Mayagüez Zoo

We headed to the zoo rather early, thinking that we would be out of there in about an hour or so. We both had the idea that the only zoo on this island would be an abandoned, barren wasteland with a few caged monkeys and iguanas (both of which can be seen roaming around the island, mostly squashed by cars), but what we found there was rather surprising. The zoo turned out to be a fun, visually pleasing experience. (ONLY visually, because the smell of animal poop is not pleasing at all unless you’re one of those poop fetish freaks). At first. I saw school buses full of shrieking, wailing soulsucker… i mean… children, and for a bit I wanted to get out and come back later. But the place is big. There was roaming space for everyone, so the enconters with incubi… I mean school children were minimal.

My b/f caught nearly everything on his camera. Among the stand out stuff there was the following:

• MONKEYS! of course.
• Crouching gull, hidden iguana
• Winnie the POOP. (there were shit landmines everywhere on his cage)
• The elephant stares at the children with murderous intent.
• The iconic Bald Headed Eagle. Never have I seen a bird that looks so beautiful yet so fucking arrogant.
• When animals attack!
• Living handbags, boots and belts.
• We thought the zoo’s main attraction was dead. It turns out this is the laziest goddamn animal besides the sloth. Woop-de-fucking-doo. King of all beasts? more like Lump of Fur on the fucking floor.
• Awww! The cutest feline ever!… Until it’s disemboweling you into a bloody pulp.
• This one made me sing: I dont wanna grow up, I’m a Toy’s R Us kid!
• Monkeys have no sense of shame and decency whatsoever…
• …That’s why they’re always lonely and depressed.
• Even more cute kitties that can tear you into teriyaki.
• A really pissed off kitty. This one left the cutesy bullshit aside, it just wanted to jump out and fucking eat everyone, judging by the way it was roaming and growling in it’s den.
• A walking fortress.
• Monkey babies!!!
• Where are the marbles?*

(*Obscure reference to an ancient game)

All in all, the zoo was an awesome experience. Be prepared to walk a lot under the searing sun (don’t worry there’s refreshment stands everywhere) and don’t freak out if a huge iguana crosses your path. They’re harmless. Unless you’re a dumb slut like this chick and decide to go to a zoo dressed like that. If so, you can consider yourself a bleached pile of bones after the iguanas are done with you. 

Without noticing, we had spent over 3 hours looking at the critters, and we made it out just when they were closing for the day.

After we came from the zoo we decided to transform into insufferable stuck up bitches, so we dressed up and headed to SoFo and had dinner in one of those fashionable overpriced (but damn delicious) italian restaurants. We went to a specific place that made these little balls full of mashed rice, spinach and melted parmesan. The appetizer of the gods. I think about them and I want to eat the fucking monitor.

DAY 9: Rainy beaches, abused old ladies and abandoned towns from hell

We were so blown away by that beach in luquillo that we wanted to repeat the experience… Even if there was a 60% chance of downpour. Dumb move, but at least we managed to catch at least an hour of sun before we were engulfed by ominous black clouds and it started to drizzle. We had bought some diving masks which turned out to be useless. The coming rain was causing the water to get all muddled and full of algae, so we were a bit dissappointed. Oh well, there’s always the obligatory frituras and piña coladas, so we stuffed our faces and left after a couple of hours.

That night I had secured front row tickets for a stand up show with Luis Raul.  He may not seem as funny on TV, but that ugly fucker lets it all hang out in his shows. There is NOTHING the little bastard won’t say, and judging by the ridiculous crap that goes on in this island on a daily basis, he has material to do a new show every weekend for the rest of his life. That’s what his show’s all about. Social sattire, but told to you by a public figure which we’re not used to hearing say such filthy, crude things about what goes or went on in our daily lives. There was this old lady in the audience that was laughing out loud at everything, and at some point she became the focus of Luis Raul’s jokes. I can’t recall how many times he called her puta, cabrona or pendeja, and the little old lady shrieked with delight. There’s nothing more fulfilling than calling an old lady a dirty slut, and he’s my hero for doing so and emerging unharmed.

The show went on for about 2 hours which went by in a flash. After that it was time for the day’s ostentatious dinner, so it was Macaroni Grill’s turn. Since there was a theater beside the restaurant we checked the schedule for Silent Hill and bought tickets for the midnight show. The food was delicious. The movie was deliciously disturbing. I don’t know if it was because I saw it on a midnight show, but I found that movie to be even freakier than both Resident Evils put together. I know the critics panned the hell out of it, but let’s face it. It’s a videogame movie, not the sequel to the fucking exorcist. I am aware that some of the edge that the game has will be lost because the writers have to cater to the "dumb audience" who can’t tell a Playstation from a Betamax, so the movie did not dissappoint me in the least. It gave me exactly what I was expecting. Freaky visuals, gruesome scenes (thank the gods it was rated R and not some watered down PG-13 piece of shit) and a convoluted storyline with an ending that was left as open as a whore’s legs at the sight of a $100 bill. Hell, I’d watch it again on Pay Per View just to see the freaky climax scene.

DAY 9 & 10: Taking a vacation from our vacation

That’s exactly how we felt. We had to take a break from all that break-taking, so we spent those last 2 days at home, going out when it was absolutely necessary, playing videogames and being horribly lazy. We had no energy to do anything else. But damn, we enjoyed it.

By sunday night I was back home, cursing society for imposing employment upon our kind and not letting us partake in this life of leisure for an indefinite period of time. Oh well. I would have grown tired from all the slacking eventually… But I didn’t feel ready to go back to work. To this day I still wish to be sitting on a beach chair under a palm in Luquillo. (Yeah, that’s me on the link in one of the beach chairs. A bit painful to look at when you’re freezing in your cubicle…)

*sigh*

But all is not lost. At least I have the liberty of visiting that beach whenever I got time to spare and the weather allows. I feel sorry for people who are freezing their respective asses on some barren state up north and are dreaming of lounging on a warm beach as they read this…

Besides, our next vacation will be definitely overseas. But where to? We have no idea. Plans? suggestions?

Let me know.

Posted in Dark Soul, Frivolities, Love Life |

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