Again, I repeat:

What….

The….

FUCK!!!!!!

OK  a warning… This is a geeky thread so if you came snooping for hot man-to-man action or don’t care about the videogame world in particular you can scoot right off. Or you can go here.

My outrage today has to do with Nintendo’s new name for the much-more-awesome-sounding Revolution. First of all, I had the innocent idea that Revolution was the official name. It’s rough. It’s aggressive. It clearly conveys what they want to do with their next-gen incarnation. Then yesterday I stumble upon THIS.

Wii?

WII?!?!?!

GOOD FUCKING LORD IN HEAVEN WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!

How can they have the nerve to name a videogame machine after what most countries know as URINE?! Don’t they research this stuff?!?!

Then they have the balls to deliver a half-assed discourse about why the name makes sense:

"Introducing … Wii. As in "we." While the code-name "Revolution" expressed our direction, Wii represents the answer. Wii will break down that wall that separates video game players from everybody else. Wii will put people more in touch with their games … and each other. But you’re probably asking: What does the name mean?"

"Wii sounds like ‘we,’ which emphasizes this console is for everyone. Wii can easily be remembered by people around the world, no matter what language they speak. No confusion. No need to abbreviate. Just Wii."

What if "WE" hate the fucking name and NOT buy that console?!

And I thought that the codename for the Gamecube when it was in development (the Dolphin) was idiotic. If Nintendo is so actively looking for a new demographic to integrate to it’s videogame playing community, it’s definitely not the hardcore gamer MGS-lovin’ Metroid Prime Worshipping Mario-underwear using crowd. They are practically destroying every notion they had of dissasociating the holy Nintendo Seal of Quality with kiddie entertainment!!! I mean, what grown man is going to have the balls to state in a crowd that: "I gotta go home and play with my Wii for a bit." The link to the website above has just a microscopic fraction of the billions of penis related jokes this machine will generate. Nintendo will now be associated with… Schlong. Wang. Pee-pee. Pecker. Cock. PENIS (not that it’s a bad thing. But most of us don’t associate playing videogames with tools of carnal pleasure. Unless this "Wii" has a vibrating cock-ring controller or something of that sort).

 Believe me, parent’s will probably think twice before buying their children a piece of hardware named after their children’s "forbidden parts" that strangers are not supposed to touch (until they’re 18 or older).

I thought I could deal with the minimalistic light-gun/controller. I was maybe gonna give it a chance if it blows people away on E3 and it turns out to really be as innovative and revolutionary (feh!) as they say. But now with this, their chances of me purchasing their new stuff, even though it is being marketed as a "bargain console", have dropped considerably. I have yet to see how the hell you will be able to play a good game of Mario/Zelda/Metroid while waving your arm around for 3 hrs. straight. And what about Street Fighter?! I, being a huge 2D fighting game whore, do not even consider to buy a console that does not support these kinds of games. Hell, even the 360 has a King of Fighters game out. How the hell am I gonna do Ryu’s Dragon Punch with the Wii’s controller? Wave my arm around in a quarter-circle motion and then press A? Come on. Try doing that for 30 min. and see if you don’t get a crippling muscle pain. First there was Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, now I predict there’s gonna be something like Wii Shoulder Syndrome or Disjointed Wii Arm Disease. "Ma, I can’t go to school today. I got a bad case of Wii Elbow! Owww!!"

Not only that, just now I realized that Puerto Rico is going to have it’s own native way of making fun of this console:

Bússssscame donde haya un sol!

donde se acabe el mar! essssse es el punto:

Trust me, Puertorrican gamers will never hear the end of it, thanks to Entrando Por La Cocina.

I know I know, There are millions of Nintendo worshippers who are willing to support their favorite brand of entertainment even if they decide to call their console "CUM GUZZLER 3000", so I guess they will sell allright just with their brand name alone. But I’ll definitely be one of those that watch from the sidelines. In the meantime, I’ll use the money I had saved for the now name-fucked-previously-known-as Revolution, and buy myself a Gamecube with it’s 5 greatest games. At least that way I know I won’t waste that money for sure and I get some quality, non experimental entertainment from the big N.

Seriously. If you thought this was some sort of p.r. joke from those zany japanese, go to Nintendo’s official site and cringe all you like.

WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Posted in Geek Stuff, Rants |

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