Thats the question I’ve been hearing nonstop from every human being ever since I arrived home last sunday night. The reason it took so long to write about it was because: 1) My employers just HAD to get even for my absence and nail me with 2 consecutive days of late-nighters, causing me to arrive home with an aversion to everything computer-related, 2) I completely lost track of time and day while on vacation, so I had to think back and have my boyfriend help me put it all back together in chronological order, and 3) I wanted to stay on vacation forever and had to slowly and painfully realize that in modern society that’s impossible, unless youre either Paris Hilton or a hobo (the only difference between the two is that a hobo has fewer STD’s).

Well, to quench your insatiable hunger for crap you’re not even supposed to care about (and because I fucking feel like it, of course), I’ll give you the rundown of what I did on that precious week and a half I took off from the butcher shop where I work at. Enjoy. Or at least pretend to be entertained and make me feel good about myself. (The same thing can be achieved by buying me cheesecake, mind you).

 DAY ONE: The arrival

Not much to tell here. I arrived late at night to my b/f’s apt. and planned all the wacky, zany hijinks we’d be involved in for the next few days. Which included kicking each other in the groin for not reserving a hotel, motel or even a guest house room in any part of the island so we could at least hang out somewhere else besides our room. Oh well, look on the bright side. We saved an assload of money on accomodations. So we decided to make the apartment our base of operations and started planning our next mission: Operation Get Sunburned Until Even Our Teeth Shed Their Skin.

DAY TWO: Exposing our pasty, glow in the dark asses to the ravaging sun

We arrived on Seven Seas in Fajardo at about 10 a.m. Since it was the beginning of spring break, I was expecting to find a barren wasteland with dark, muddy waters and strewn garbage all over the shores, blazing pots full of arroz con pollo, mondongo y cuajito simmering in portable stoves, shrieking children running around kicking sand in your eyes, and boomboxes everywhere blaring the next reggaetón top 40 hit. Fortunately the scenario wasn’t that fucked up. After all, we did the same thing last year and everything went well. The beach was big enough for everyone, the water, though clean, still had a lot of algae floating around making you think icky creatures were slithering against you, but that was only the shore. If we swam further back the water was excellent. Later on we walked around to a trail that leads to a couple of secluded beaches, which would be awesome, if there wasn’t a stinky swamp river that flows right into them. The little road that leads to them also has a bog on one side that smells like satan’s underpants, so you have to endure the stench and the long walk to get to the less frequented parts of the beach. On our way back we also found a sand bank near the shore, so we waddled over there and lied there for a few minutes, until the tide started rising and we ran the risk of getting stranded there with all our crap. We headed back, and just for the hell of it, we decided to take another route back home. Oh goody gumdrops! We’re jolly little boy scouts in search of fun and adventure!…

WHAT THE FUCK WERE WE THINKING. 2 hrs. later we were seriously wondering if we hadn’t accidentally arrived at Silent Hill. I mean, I can’t even recall the names of these backwater towns forgotten by god. Not a single soul on the streets, and the roads just kept winding and winding as if we were heading to fucking Mordor. All we needed were fucking orcs chasing us. Oh well, at least the drunkards and welfare suckers sitting around playing dominoes can be more intimidating than a 400 lb. ogre. Everyone on their right mind absolutely fears ending up like them…

One thing that was constant during our little excursion into the deeper bowels of Puerto Rico: There’s a fucking shopping mall on nearly every corner, even on the most remote location of any god forsaken ghetto-ass town. It doesn’t have to be a big mall, sometimes a strip mall will do. And to think that our economy is on the brink of destruction.

After emerging from La Jalda Silenciosa (more on that movie later) I’ve never been happier to dive back into the chaos, traffic jams and hostile driving of civilized society. Seriously, I thought we had crossed a time space continuum and were lost in an alternate dimension for 2 hrs. straight. Anyway we arrived home tired as hell and called it a day.

DAY 3: Rest our battered, now sensually sunburned sexy bodies

We were so spent from the day before that we decided to take a day to do nothing at all. We watched Naruto all day, played videogames, and ate whatever the fuck we felt like eating. Including each other.

Hahaaa! bet that last one fucked you up real good, eh?

 DAY 4: More fun in the Sun

We went back to Seven seas. Everybody was packing and leaving the beach, since the next day was a work day for most people. Which meant that the beach was much less crouded. We didn’t stay long, we had a busy day the next day so we went back to base and started planning our next mission: Invade The West.

DAY 5: Around the island in… I don’t know how long but I sure am tired as hell

Our plan today was to assault as many western tourist traps we could. Our first target: The Caves of Camuy. I hadn’t been there since elementary school, so the smell of bat shit, the poorly lit, slippery corridors and the huge, turd like stalagmites brought a flurry of memories. It seemed that last time I came I didn’t pay as much attention as I should, so this time I was really impressed with the huge pointy lime stone creations from mother nature dangling from the ceiling. To think that it takes hundreds of years for these bitches to grow an inch… Unfortunately, part of the tunnels had caved in a few years back, so the trip was much shorter now. Darky had never been there before, so he went ballistic with the pictures. Too bad that photography under those dark conditions is a bitch, so he had to lag behind setting up a shot, while our guide in the front had to wait for us to continue her lecture. We didn’t care. We paid to get a good glimpse of the caves and god forbid someone told us to hurry up. We were gonna fuck their shit up, holmes. ‘Cause we be nasty like that, esse. Speaking of nasty, our guide… well, It seems that one of those cave dwelling bugs had crawled up her cootch, because that woman sure looked displeased with humanity. We saw other guides joking around and being sociable with their group. Our bitch only talked to us to boss us around or to give some boring lecture about how bat shit is also used as fertilizer. Any other times she just looked sour and stayed quiet with her arms crossed, looking at everyone with distaste. She looked like she was better fit to be a librarian. But fuck that hag. She wasn’t gonna ruin our tour. Unfortunately we weren’t counting that within our group we had… La Cafre.

- Oh no she didn’t!

-Mmmm-hhhhm girl!

La Cafre is everything that could go wrong with a puertorrican female. She is overweight, which is not a problem, unless you start wearing midriff-baring clothes, especially the ones with teeny bopper prints like "daddy’s little girl", "diva" or "cum dumpster". Which she was displaying proudly. She wore a fat gold chain with a gawdy encrusted pendant, rings on nearly every finger and about 50 bangles on every forearm. On her ears dangled huge golden hoops, followed by about 15 smaller ones that threatened to yank off her earlobes from the weight. Her hair was a strange shade of purplish maroon that was probably meant to be dark red, with distracting dark brown 1/2 inch roots. Her mouth was painted in "Fuckme Red", and whatever eyeshadow she wore (i’m guessing it was metallic blue) was covered by huge diva sunglasses that made her look like a genetic cross between an insect and a warthog. Her nails were 1 inch talons decorated with whatever surreal landscapes korean manicurists can think of nowadays. She wore short-shorts which revealed her ricotta cheese-like cellulite that offended even the local wildlife. On one of her ankles you could see a tacky as hell rose thorn tattoo, and the name of her husband, boyfriend or maybe her pimp was tattooed on one of her shoulder blades.

Now there’s a classy broad for ya.

It turns out that right before we returned from the tour, the guide made a last stop at another very famous sinkhole which could be seen from a balcony. She urged us all to take a look and take pics or whatever, and when we gor back, La Cafre was standing with a look of annoyance near my seat. It seems that another family had taken her seats, and she wanted them back. "Oh, I don’t wanna sit here I don’t like to travel with my back facing the other way". Bitch, this is a trolley not a fucking rollercoaster. The other family was like "oh we don’t fit back there we don’t wanna go back". La Cafre started to bitch and whine about people sitting on the same spaces they were before. At that moment, the guide with a bug up her cootch came back and asked her what the hell is her problem. "Whine whine whine! they should sit elsewhere I don’t wanna sit facing the back of the trolley wah wah wah!". The guide made an effort not to throw her fat, whiny ass down the gaping sinkhole (which was not a good idea, since I bet it would cause a gynormous landslide that would swallow the entire town of Camuy) and told her in a very stern manner: "Ok, these seats are NOT assigned by number. You don’t PAY  for a specific seat, so people can seat wherever they please. Now, these other seats are free, you can sit on any of those." And then she stormed off, even more pissed than before. Now the angry buggy cootch woman was becoming my hero. La Cafre looked pissed, wich made me giggle a little, and her husband (the guy from the tattoo), a defeated looking man that didn’t even speak up to defend her wife, sat down and looked the other way in shame.

In yo’ face, puta!

When we arrived back at the lodge, La Cafre said loudly: "We spent even more time waiting for the damn trolley than looking at the fucking caves", and then stormed out. I wanted to do what the guide fantasized about and push her down a ravine so bad…

Odd things we noticed at The Camuy Caves:  As we were leaving, a huge band of ultra-orthodox jews arrived. Yep, the kind that use those black hats and curly long sideburns. I had heard about jewish colonies on the island, but seeing them up close was a bit creepy… Also, inside the caves, there was this couple sitting on the floor with lantern helmets, painting one of the caves in oil. WTF? If you head over to Darky’s photo album you can get a glimpse of them there.

We escaped that circus and decided to head further west to the zoo. We didn’t know their closing time, so we arrived half an hour later after they closed. Bummer. But hey! Now that we’re in the area, let’s go to La Parguera and see what all the fuss is about.

After taking the long way there without wanting to (which brought us unpleasant flashbacks from when we got lost in La Jalda Silenciosa) we arrived in Lajas at the crack of dusk. We started asking for trips to see the lagoon and decided to take a huge boat with a cristal floor. "Great, we’ll be able to see the shining lagoon in all it’s splendor!" we thought. After stuffing our face with a gynormous mofongo relleno de pollo, we wandered around and found the fabled ancient arcade place described by Prometteus in his blog, including the legendary Tetris arcade machine, which still played and looked like new. There was a veritable library of classic games, like the Mortal Kombats, The Street Fighters, and my favorites, the SNK fighter games. I am a huge SNK brawler whore. And Fatal Fury: Mark of the Wolves was sitting there in a corner, taunting me with it’s hi-res 2D sprites. But forget about that. I have M.U.G.E.N. still stored on my dead laptop’s hard drive and I’ll revive it as soon as my new motherboard arrives…

Odd thing we noticed at La Parguera: There was this weird guy chasing after a dog, and when he caught it, he carried it to the shore of the bay and threw it to the water. Several times. We were like "what the fuck is wrong with this weirdo?! what is he doing to the dog?!" Well, it turns out he was bathing it. In stinky dirty bay water. Genious dude, genious.

A short while later we were on the boat. It wasn’t like I imagined, I though we’d be standing literally over a transparent floor. Huge mistake. The glass floor was some sort of pit that reached the bottom of the ship and was dark as hell. That lagoon better shine like a neon bulb…

On the way there, Darky and I were spellbound by a beautiful starry sky that was untainted by city lights, showing a magnificent display of millions of stars we had never even noticed before. After a while, the ship stops. Where the hell are the lights? where the glow in the dark lagoon?

Well, it turns out the damn thing doesn’t shine by itself. It seems the microorganisms in the water react to movement and emit light whenever the water is disturbed, so a couple of swimmers had to jump in the water and splash around so we all could see how awesome it looked when their movements were traced by a soft green light. Just like I suspected, the glass floor they advertised was useless, because the swimmers actually had to swim under them and waddle around so the stupid people huddled around the pits could see something. What a fucking rip-off. The guys swimming outside making "water angels" look much better. Also, cameras with flash or any sort of bright light were not allowed, yet there were some dumb assholes that still wanted to try if their camera caught the shining water, or tried to videotape it with their camera’s flashlight, which royally pissed off the swimmers and the staff. Come on. When have you seen a puertorrican that actually follows rules? Later on, someone carried around a bucket of that "shining water", which lit up softly whenever the water was dripped on the floor. That was awesome. And yet there were still fucking idiots trying to catch the effect on their cameras. Goddamn morons.

After that we headed to the top of the boat, where we could enjoy the starry sky a lot more, cursing this damn conservative island for not allowing us to hug and kiss freely in such a romantic setting. *sigh*

Oh Boo hoo.

When getting off the ship the swimmers were standing there with an eager look on their faces holding a bowl for tips. TIPS. After ripping us off so blatantly with that "glass floor" bullshit! They should be tipping me, the bastards. We ignored them like dogs and got out and headed home. Unfortunately we decided to return through Ponce. Big mistake. It took twice as long. We were so fucking tired we slept like logs.

DAY 6: Rest our tired asses… Again

The day before was so tiresome we felt like taking a day off from doing stuff, again. We only moved our asses later in the afternoon, because we had noticed that a new TGI Friday’s had opened nearby. We just had to check it out for the sake of spinach and artichoke cheese dip (*drool*). Also, I ordered some thing called a "June Bug", which won the price for Gayest Drink Ever. It was a huge glass full of an awesome tasting green liquor embellished by a plastic sword skewering pineapple slices. I felt like I was drinking out of the severed skull of Carmen Miranda.

ON THE NEXT EPISODE…

• Monkeys! monkeys!!! MONKEEEEYS!!!! Our trip to the zoo
• Luis Raul abuses old ladies
• Stumbling unto Silent Hill at midnight *shiver!*

And much more!

Stay tuned.

Posted in Dark Soul, Frivolities, Geek Stuff, Love Life, Rants |

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