Yep, you read right. PENIS review.

It’s a review. About penises.

But not just any penis. Celebrity penis.

Oh come on! don’t tell me you have never wondered what your favorite celebrity is packing behind those pants! Either out of curiosity or just sheer morbid interest, I know some of you guys have thought of measuring up with whatever famous singer or movie star, after being annoyed by all the ladies (and some gentlemen) who would drop their pants for them in a heartbeat. Or you ladies (and again, an awful lot of gentlemen) who lust after a certain unreachable superstar but will not rest until your filthy, depraved sexual fantasy with your favorite famous stud is complete with a visual of his actual package, not the perfect, immaculately trimmed and pristine tool of the gods you imagine they must have.

For some of us it’s a turn-on, but for others, finally getting to see the real thing ends up being a complete let-down *cough*judelaw!*cough*

Needless to say, some of the links to these pictures are ABSOLUTELY NOT SAFE FOR WORK. So unless you work, say, on a Penis Research Facility or a similar job, I suggest you wait ’till you get home to check out the celebrity junk-in-the-front.

This whole thing started when I saw Colin Farrel’s famed, highly overrated sex video. Speaking of which, what is it with celebrities and their crappy-ass camera handling, poor lighting conditions, and cheap filming equipment? If you wanna make a sex video, do it right, you work with cameras all fucking day, you should have learned SOMETHING about handling a camera and setting up proper lighting by now. I mean, this video specifically is just BEYOND amateur, to the point where the constant jerking of the camera and the drab colors can cause a slight headache… To quote Colin during that same video: "This has got to be the shabbiest filmmaking in the history of fucking porn". Colin, my friend, that may be a "slight" understatement.

Anyway, back to the penis, I know you’re antsy.

COLIN FARREL

I’ve always had a thing for this foul-mouthed, chain-smoking, coke-snorting-off-the-ass-of-a-hooker irish leprechaun. Many people hate him because he’s such a man-whore, having fucked nearly every young hollywood starlet/singer/model. But hey, I don’t blame him. He’s young, rich, and horny, and in his line of work, women pile up like the fat on Janet Jackson’s ass. So cut him some slack. He’s doing what any of us would do in his position. Which is, fuck anything on two legs while splurging your money on all sorts of vices. And speaking of fucking, Colin was considerate enough to finally let us see his lucky charms on his infamous sex video, which he filmed while nailing his then girlfriend, playboy whorebag Nicole Narain. They both bitched and moaned and threatened to sue whoever released the video to the public, but obviously, someone always finds a way to let us have the good stuff. The video leaked, Colin got pissed, and we all got a glimpse of his tool squirting some Irish Cream on his slut of the day and lived happily ever after.

Click here to see COLIN’S LUCKY CHARMS

I already knew he was uncut, but somehow I always thought colin had a tiny pecker, I don’t know if it was the fact that I always associated him with one of these. Very nice indeed. I give him:

out of 5 hornies.

BRUCE WILLIS

Ok, he might be an old prune by now, but more than a decade ago, when he still had hair, I had a chance to see that magnanimous piece of modern filmmaking *gag*, Color of Night. I swear, the only part of the movie that is worth a shit is the one where Bruce throws himself on the pool and starts fucking that skinny bitch like a madman. While underwater, you get to see a tiny glimpse of the tip of his head. Even though it was just a few seconds, that little scene launched a thousand wet dreams for me (Bruce was hot at the time). Years later, and after losing all his hair, he still has a teeny tiny bit of that "something", but it’s not quite the same. Especially when you’re all saggy and even your pubes are balding.

Click here to see BRUCE WILLIS’ WILLIE (circa Color of Night)

out of 5 hornies

And here to see BRUCE WILLIS’ WILLIE (Today)

out of 5 hornies

JUDE LAW

Now this guy is a bit of a let-down. Judging by the famous recent shot of him changing his bathing suit and letting it all hang out, it seems our favorite nanny-fucking british bastard is not as "gifted" as some of us want him to be. Either it was a bit chilly outside, or our buddy Jude is what we call a "grower", or someone with a seemingly small penis that when aroused, engorges into this titanic rod of jaw dropping (pardon the pun) proportions. Oh well, when you got looks, I guess penis size becomes second hand. Don’t get me wrong though, I’d still hit it.

Click here to see JUDE’S HAIRY MIDGET

out of 5 hornies

EWAN McGREGOR

Ah yes. Mr. Kenobi himself. Our man E-Mac has left very clear that he LOVES being naked. About one in every 2 films he’s fucking naked. There’s not a single movie watcher that hasn’t seen Ewan’s bits and pieces on film. Ewan’s cock deserves it’s own name on the movie credits. And not because it’s so damn popular, but because it’s fuckin’ huge. Even when it’s limp it looks big. Kudos to Ewan for shamelessly promoting such a magnificent, uncut piece of scottish manhood, who, might I add, is as good an actor as it’s owner.

*USELESS PIECE OF TRIVIA: Ewan and I share the same birthday (March 31) *

Click here to see EWAN’S MEAT SABER

PERFECT SCORE!

BEN AFFLECK

Ok, so this idiot hasn’t made a decent movie in about half a decade. Who cares about a box office hit when you have a home video of yourself masturbating vigorously and shooting a huge wad of cum on your belly?! I have no idea how this video found it’s way to the deep dark entrails of the internet, but it sure is fuckin’ hot. Maybe that treacherous cleaning lady stole it from his secret stash and sold it to a tabloid, or maybe he did it when he was just a struggling actor, making a living by stroking his meat for gay videos and websites to make some quick cash, just like that lovely Simon Rex. Ben has an average boy next door cock (and a hot-ass body at the time), which isn’t half bad. Now, if he put as much dedication into his movie roles as he puts into busting his nut…

CLick here to see that BEN HAS A HANDFUL

out of 5 hornies

There you go. Hope that holds you through the weekend. What, you wanted more? Tough break. A guy’s gotta sleep, ya know, It’s not like I spend all night browsing through porn… Or most nights, anyway. Hell, who knows, maybe next time I might find a nudie pic of YOUR favorite celebrity lying around…

Stay tuned.

Posted in Celebs, Frivolities, Gay, Sex |

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