I’m usually not very fond of forward e-mails, but every once in a while you find one that’s totally fucking worth it. (thanx Erik!) This one’s an interesting experiment with Google, where you type your name followed by the word needs, all that enclosed in double quotes ("). So I just went on and tiped "Kaiser needs" and just read all of the crazy-ass phrases that popped up from websites:

- "Kaiser needs to improve its productivity" - *gasp!* are they spying my workplace?
- "Kaiser needs to change" - Do I? really?
- "Kaiser needs transparency and hard evidence" - Transparency… Hard… Is it a clear dildo?
- "kaiser needs a little more training bfore u take him back to that park." - Training for what. I suck at sports.
- "Kaiser needs to be profitable" - Of course I do. One of these days my name could be worth millions. That’s why I don’t pose naked.
- "Kaiser needs to step up to the plate here in Northern California and conform to what their policy says and what the AMA says about RECONSTRUCTIVE surgery." - And I say: I don’t fucking care about no damn surgery.
- "Kaiser needs a victory to make the playoffs." - Again, I suck at sports.
- "Kaiser needs to hear from the workers" - I’m not that big on hearing people bitch.
- "Kaiser needs some sort of Business Ethics director who will be a voice to check harebrained schemes to shred the files and discredit the witnesses." - Ethics? me? HA!
- "Kaiser needs to apologize for their misdeeds through the jury’s judgment" - I know as much of law as I know if gynecology.
- "Kaiser needs to do more to protect its 5 million patients in California" - No I dont.
- "Kaiser needs to evaluate alternative ways of providing security on an extranet and/or the Internet" - That’s my b/f’s department, not mine.
- "Kaiser needs to treat all of its workers fairly" - Only if you do what I say. Oh yes, I’d make a despotic boss allright.
- "Kaiser needs to fix its problems" - If it’s not my problem, no I don’t.
- "Kaiser needs to start staffing better" - Hmmmm, i sense some problems in my sacred workplace. Am I gonna have to start firing some lazy ass freeloaders?
- "Kaiser needs to stay in the business of medicine and not funding people’s insurance premiums" - Funding? I can’t fund anything with this salary! I fund MYSELF.
- "Kaiser Needs Intellectually Stimulating Films" - Translation: Kaiser Needs more porn.
- "Kaiser needs a little poke" - Depends what kind of "poke" you mean. Tee-heee!
- "Kaiser needs refurbishment in all areas" - Am I that fucked up?!
- "Kaiser needs to get a record deal" - Maybe if I audition for American Idol or Objetivo Fama.
- "Kaiser needs more time" - Always.
- "Kaiser needs a bit of work on the graphics" - Always².
- "Kaiser needs to stop making martyr-ish gestures and start making real moves which
will reignite public excitement" - Eeeeh, I think I’ve just been called a Drama Queen…
- "Kaiser needs some new stickers damnit" - Stickers are always good.
- "Kaiser needs to be in a family where he will have lots of attention" - Now I’m being called an attention whore. Nice.
- "Kaiser needs to get it right because it was really frustrating for the time wasted and resulting telephone work" - What the fuck did I do now?!
- "Kaiser needs to start staffing better" - Ok, I got it the first time! My employees suck!
- "Kaiser needs to make a living" - Duuuh. Don’t we all?
- "Kaiser needs the information because a patient had asked about assisted suicide and no physician could be found to process the request" - Trust me, I am the LAST person you’d seek for suicide counseling (hint: my advice: PULL THE TRIGGER.)
- "Kaiser needs to be sued in arbitration" - Oh no I don’t! do you think I got money to pay for lawyers right now? Sue THIS, motherfucker.
- "Kaiser needs to grow as the population grows" - At 25, there’s only one part of my body that keeps on growing. And shrinking back. And growing again. And shrinking back again… And peeking through the boxers– Ok enough!
- "Kaiser needs more men" - OMFG wait till HE reads this one!!!
- "kaiser needs a life" - Google can be such a bastard.
- "kaiser needs to get laid" - Come on, you KNOW this one had to appear eventually.
- "Kaiser needs no formal introduction in the world of performing arts as she is an immensely popular figure in this arena among both young and old" - She? now I’m a drag queen? ugh.
- "Kaiser needs more doctors like Dr. Yee" - Who the fuck is Dr. Yee.
- "Kaiser needs to accept responsibility" - Like hell I will.
- "Kaiser needs your service, Edmund" - If Edmund is tall, blonde & blue-eyed, I think I might need his umm… "services".
- "Kaiser needs a hug" - Boo hoo.
- " Kaiser needs our prayers" - Again: Am I really THAT fucked?
- "Kaiser needs to be re-done for Pacific Bariatric" - Hey WTF!! I may have put on a few pounds but not enough to land me a stomach staple!! Come on.
- "kaiser needs 3 day diet" - Ok I see the pattern. Shut up.
- "kaiser needs a digital camera fund" - So true. It is an urgent matter indeed. E-mail me for additional donation info.

This shit goes on for thousands of pages, and it’s so late I can already see the sunlight, so I better stop. Oh wait there’s one more:

- "Kaiser needs a serious attitude check" - FUCK YOU, Google.

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