I found myself uttering those words at about 9:30 p.m. tonight. But let’s not get too hasty. let’s rewind and take things slow until we get to the point where I found myself compelled to utter such blasphemy.
I came home from work, tired as I am every tuesday because of the goddamned, motherfucking construction pages (which I have to build all by miself. Yes, all 20-something of ‘em). I notice there is nobody home and I see this strange black Explorer Sport-Trac parked in front of my house.
That quickly rang the alarm in my head. You see, my father, that paragon of knowledge, sense and reason, had been talking for some weeks about getting a spankin’ new car and getting rid of his ancient old lemon, which is rotting in our garage. I figured he was just talking out of his ass (as he does 90% of the time he has an alcoholic drink in his hand) so I payed no mind. Until now I thought he was just talking crazy. Now, it seems the bastard had bought yet ANOTHER truck, apparently unsatisfied by that old, smelly Ford Ranger he bought a few years ago, which I hate, by the way. How can this be possible?!?!
Under further scrutiny, I realized the house was deserted and dark, and there were people inside the truck. A bald headed guy and a long-haired figure. Just what in the hell is going on? They had their cabin light on and were sort of reading something with their heads bowed down.
I opened the gates, got in, and closed quickly, looking at the strange vehicle and memorizing the license plate. Out of habit and paranoia, I presume. This island ain’t exactly Eden.
I come in, and after turning on some lights, I find dinner all cold and sad inside the microwave, begging to be eaten quickly so I could put it out of it’s wilted misery. I ate, and as I was finishing, My parents arrive. The black truck was still there. Then I hear a bunch of car doors opening and lively chattering. What the hell? those people inside the black truck know my parents? were they actually waiting out there? why the hell didn’t they approach me when I arrived? I’ve been eating dinner for like 20 min. and they were out there all shady, scaring the crap out of me, refusing to come in??
Whew. Me and my hyperactive imagination. First I thought my dad had squandered a small fortune on a new car, then I think I’ll get gang-raped by sleazy thugs…
Gotta lay off the TV a bit.
It turns out they were some family acquaintances, a guy that used to work in a car dealer and his wife. Wait a minute. Car dealer?!
Then I hear my dad calling me with a sense of urgency. Great. What the fuck does he want now? I’m watching South Park for god’s sake.
I drag myself outside and in the driveway my jaw hit the floor.
Nah. it can’t be. My eyes are deceiving me. My Lasik is acting up.
It was a champagne colored MERCEDES BENZ.

OH MY FUCKING GOD.

Now you get it?

Posted in Family, WTF |

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