Evening readers! Guess what today I’ll treat you to yet another BITCH FEST, hosted, caused and provided by, who else?
The King and Queen of the Damned, the Unholy Alliance, The Demonic Duo: Lucifer & Lillith, a.k.a. mum and dad!
The setting for the unexpected bitch-fest?
ELECTION DAY!
Yaaaaaaaay!
As everybody knows, I have never given a blistering, rancid fuck about politics in any shape or form, and it was my intention to sit on my ass all through election day while everyone marched their responsible little asses to the voting booth. Now I’m not saying that I’m irresponsible or apathetic, it’s just that… Why am I going to make an effort choosing between three pricks that offer the exact same thing? Oh sure, everyone is saying that these candidates are kinda shitty and that it is our right to choose between the lesser of three evils, but what if I don’t want to take part of that? What if I want to spend time killing drug capos and taking over their mansions to slowly build up my drug empire? (Don’t be alarmed. It’s just a fucking videogame.)
After making all that diatribe clear and stating to every person that asked me that it was not my intention to vote today, I decide to go to bed late, since I didn’t have a reason to wake up early. I am, however, awoken in an unfriendly manner at about 2:30 p.m. by Madam Le Satanique (mom) who hands me the phone with some kind of ghetto sista-girl attitude, and tells me my dad is on the other side. I had a slight suspicion of what this was about.
I put the phone to my ear and what went on was this:
- Me, all groggy and sleepy: *Yawn* …ello?
- Lucifer: What is wrong with you? Are you fucked up in the head?
- Me: Wha? what happenned? (I asked that just to throw him off, but I knew exactly why he was bitching)
- Lucifer: Your mother tells me you haven’t gone voting yet!!!
- Me: Oh yeah. That… I said it before, I’m not interested in voting.
- Lucifer: What the fuck?!! Aren’t you gonna help me save my job and the stability of this family? don’t you know that if that other party wins, that motherfucker could sell this hospital and leave me without a job like he wanted to do last time?!! Don’t you know nobody wants to employ old people like me anymore?!
I couldn’t believe my ears. He was placing on MY shoulders the economic stability of my whole fucking family. All because of a single goddamn X on a piece of paper.
But it didn’t end there. He soon started vomiting this speech about how he has provided and served and sacrificed and yadda yadda yadda for me to pay him that way. I can’t really recall everything he said, since at that point I removed the phone from my ear and started humming the Jeopardy song:
- Lucifer: Bla bla bla!! responsibility!!! yadda yadda yadda I provide!!! Bork bork bork rebellious!!!
- Me: La la la la la la laaaaa, la la la la plin, la la la la la la la la la la la laaaaa…
- LucifeR, after about a minute or so: That’s all I’m gonna say, now do you have anything to say for yourself?
- Me: (Luckily the Jeopardy song was finished and I put the phone back on to catch this part) Eeeeeh, no.
- Lucifer:You still have 25 minutes to get dressed and vote. If you don’t do anything at all, it means that you’re acting against ME, you got that? I’ll take it as a personal attack.
- Me, looking at the phone as if it was covered in maggots: Ummm, yeah. *click*
- Mom, materializing all of a sudden from the shadows, like a true succubus: Did you just hang up on him?!
- Me: No.
She continues to ignore the fact that it pisses me off rabidly when somebody intentionally overhears my phone conversations. I gave her back the phone with the dirtiest look I could come up with, and collected my peace and inner calmness as I went back to sleep. Only to be interrupted 30 seconds later by the aforementioned demoness:
- Lillith: What is wrong with you? why this, all of a sudden? is it like a new trend? is it because your friends aren’t voting?
- Me: Everything is because of my friends now, is it?
- Lillith: Well, you seem to mind more what your friends say than what we say!
- Me: Mother, I AM NOT GOING TO VOTE. And that’s final.
- Lillith: Don’t you know that your name is on a list, and the government can easily find out if you voted or not?
Great. First my family is gonna go broke, then I betrayed my father, and now the government is gonna be after my ass, all because of not wanting to vote.
This could make either a damn good summer blockbuster or at least a best-seller.
Which left me with only one viable option:
I slammed my door shut, locked it, and proceeded to sleep peacefully like a little cherub, while the whole country was in hysterics over who’s gonna be the next douchebag to fuck up whatever good things are left on this island.
Oh, and one more thing. If you see me on the street, don’t ask me if I voted, unless you want to hear a very friendly "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU CARE, YA’ PIECE O’ SHIT."
Ta-ta, fuck nuggets.
“Mom: Don’t you know that your name is on a list, and the government can easily find out if you voted or not?”
OMFG!, Your mother is a member of the La-Le-Lu-le-Lo!, I knew it!
by DarK SouL November 3rd, 2004 at 8:05 amShe’s wicked! WICKED!!!!
by Kaiser Dämmerung November 3rd, 2004 at 2:32 pmI was depressed and in need of much needed laughter
I hit your site
I laughed my ass off.
Thank you, you harpy you.
Now where is that bottle of vodka, the drugs and the cigarrrettes, dahling?
by morituri November 3rd, 2004 at 11:52 pm